im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
