I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
