no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I can't turn off my feet"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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