I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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