walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
