How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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