I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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