Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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