i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
