people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
