i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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