My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
