Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
