She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
