she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize