Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
