somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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