don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
