i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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