Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
