DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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