I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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