you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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