Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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