Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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