got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
