i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
