brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just found puke in my bra..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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