Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
