My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize