I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
