I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
