i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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