Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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