Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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