he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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