I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
