listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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