Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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