Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
