my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
