you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
