There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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