I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
