and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
