You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
