As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
