I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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