i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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