my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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