i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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