It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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