I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
