My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The adults are the big ones right?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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