I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
