Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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