I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
BRING THE BAGELS
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
