you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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